WELCOME

This page has many funny jokes, funny lines,

and some funny pictures.

Ten things you'll never hear a man say...

10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore

 

Ten Things You'll never hear a woman say

10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

Here is a funny picture....

 

 

Your sister is like a bowling ball.

First she gets picked up
then fingered
then thrown in the gutter
and the bitch keeps coming back for more!

Mary had a little skirt
It was slit right up the sides
And every time she wore that skirt
The boys could see her thighs

Mary had another skirt
It was slit right up the front
But she never wore that one!

A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel. He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had.

The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she was far too expensive.

The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she was also too expensive.

Finally the pimp showed him a whore for $1, who happened to have her legs open ready.

The man agreed, but the pimp said he must wear a black condom.

So the man wore the condom and bonked his heart out and had the time of his life. He enjoyed it so much he went back the next day for the same $1 whore, and again had to wear a black condom.

Again the prostitute had her legs open ready.

When he went the day after, he asked the pimp why he must wear a black condom?

The pimp told him "To show respect for the dead."

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a dog ?

A dead dog with a 12-inch asshole.

Mary had a little lamb,
It went to bed to sleep
Mary's lamb turned out a Ram
Now Mary's full of sheep

Two ants, one black and one white , who were freinds were looking for a place to stay in the forest in vain for quite a few days. So one day, they came across a cave which looks good and they decided to check it out. The black ant volunteered to go in and check while the white ant wait outside. When the black ant entered the cave, what he saw was amazing. The place was well furnished and it is indeed a perfect place for them. So he decided to go outside and tell his freind, the white ant, about it. But when he is on his way out, a worm bash it and attacked him. The black ant fought bravely and in the end, the worm got injured, vomited some white blood and retreat. The black ant rush outside quickly to tell the white ant about his encounter only to see his freind laying on the ground injured too! The black ant told him that he was attack by a worm while inside the cave and manage to defeat it making it vomit white blood. The white ant reply :`That was nothing you asshole, compare to the two big balls I was battling outside!!

What did the vampire say to the teacher? See you next period.

There was a mother that had a daughter, Mary, that always sucked her thumb. Upset by this, Marys mother told her that if she continued to suck her thumb, her body would swell up. Frightened, Mary stopped sucking her thumb. One day Mary and her mother were crossing the street and Mary saw a prostitute with big breasts. Mary pulled away from her mother, walked up to the prostitute and said, "Lady, I know what youve been sucking"

What Do You Call A Gay Dinosaur? A MEGA-sore ass!!!

A guy walks into a bar and sees a big jar of money sitting on the bar. He asks the bartender, "What is this big jar of money for?" The bartender replies, "There is $5,000 dollars in that jar and whoever can complete three tasks given to them can take the money home." The guy says, "Well, can I try?" The bartender replies, "Yes, first you have to go over to the bouncer and knock him out with a pool stick. Then there is both and old women in the back that needs to have an orgasm, and a dog that needs some teeth pulled." The man walks over to the bouncer and manages to knock him out with a pool stick. Then the man walks into the room where the dog is. Everyone in the bar hears a lot of howling coming from the room, and the man finally walks out and says, "Okay, where is the old woman that needs to have her teeth pulled?"

THESE NEXT ARE BUMPER STICKERS!!!!

*Grow your own dope! Plant a man.

*"I left my other vehicle in the broom closet."

*"Jesus is coming... and boy, is he pissed!

*Don't laugh.......your daughter may be in here!!

*Neuter Newt.

*"BEER ... IT'S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE!"

*"Nuke the gay whales for Jesus!"

*A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

*This vehicle does not turn left on red

*"Ask me about microwaving cats for Fun & Profit"

*RUGBY PLAYERS EAT THEIR YOUNG

*JESUS IS COMING.......LOOK BUSY!

*"I'm up and dressed. What more do you want?"

*MONEY IS THE ROUTE TO ALL EVIL-- send $9.95 for more info.

*I Have PMS And I Have A Gun!

*GIVE BLOOD...PLAY HOCKEY.

*"God Created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

*Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered
an enemy planet.

Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.


What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windsheild?... His ass!

Hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail? Yeah the headlines in the newspaper read "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE".

Spice Girls Application

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago. She boards the plane and sits in the first class area. The stewardess comes over and says "ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area". The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago". The stewardess says "you must move to the coach area". The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago". The stewardess goes over and gets the head stewardess. The head stewardess comes over and says "ma'am you must move to coach." The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago". The stewardesses look at each other and decide to go get the captain. The captain comes over and says" ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area". The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago". The captain shakes his head and bends down and whispers in her ear. All of a sudden she jumps up grabs her luggage and goes over to the coach area. The stewardesses look at each other and ask the captain "What did you say to her?" The captain says " I told her first class wasn't going to Chicago."

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning??"

There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat. The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops."

As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any cops?"
The blonde replies, "Yes."

The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"
"Yes."

"Are they close?"
"Yes."

"Are they going to stop us?"
"I don't know."

The brunette says, "Well, are their lights on?"

The blonde replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."

Error messages for Win2000

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

These are actual calls to Tech support help desks

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

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Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

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Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

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Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

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Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to "The Internet."

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Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
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Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
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Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work."

Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.

Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"